Gundam Wing Does Dracula!
by V the Happy Lurker
Summary: Sillyness ensues when Duo goes to do business with the famous Count!
1. Default Chapter Title

**DISCLAIMER:** I DO NOT own Gundam Wing, Slayers, or DBZ. If I did, I would be in Tahiti right now with several gorgeous cabanana boys fullingfull my every whim and desire!   
_**AUTHORESS'S NOTES:** All my comments will be in []. The characters' thoughts will be in {}. And, some actions and emotions are in (). Get?_ Reader(s): GOT IT! _GOOD!_

** SCENE: ** Brightly lit stage with main curtains drawn.   
*Out steps everyone favorite neko-jin walks onstage, dressed up in tux and wearing a smile like an info-merical host. *   
**Chaine: ** Konichi wa, mina-san! This is your beloved host, Chaine-sama! (Waits for the applause, but gets only silence. A cricket chirps in the distance.) * Clicks his tongue. * Okay, I assume you all ready for our feature presentation, but before we get under way, there are several warnings I'm obligated to give. First, this fic WILL contain YOAI and shouen-ai related material. If you don't know what the freak YOAI is, let me enlighten you: its guy and guy relationships. Yes, that's right: HOMOSEXUALITY. So, if you don't like those kinds of shenanigans, BUGGER OFF! (Sound of a few people leaving.) All right, next, there will be some use of strong language and more conventional adult situations, hence why this fic is rated 'PG-13'. And finally, a note on the cast: This is solely a Gundam Wing fic. There will be NO cameos by any characters form other anime. No...nada...zip...zilch....NONE! Let me say this one more time: There will be no...   
*As if on cue, Trunks [DBZ], walks onstage, pushing a piano in front of him. *   
**Trunks: ** Umm...Chaine-san. Where should I put this?   
**Chaine: ** (Annoyed.) Trunks-kun, didn't I tell you to wait backstage until I finished the intro?   
**Trunks: ** Well...yes, but then that guy with the braid started making passes at me, AGAIN!   
**Chaine: ** *Sighs. * Figures he'd do that. Look, just plant you sorry monkey butt in the orchestra pit.   
*Relieved, Trunks leaves, pushing his piano along with him. *   
*Duo prances onstage. *   
**Duo: ** Oi, Abel! Have you seen that gorgeous purple haired bishouen around here?   
**Chaine: ** (Going SD enraged.) WHY YOU LITTLE...   
*Chaine grabs him by the throat and proceeds to throttle the overly perky Gundam pilot. Another curtain falls. *   
*Cautiously, Xellos [Slayers] pokes his head out and looks around, before trotting on out into the spotlight. *   
**Xellos: ** (Smiling as usual.) Well, since Chaine is preoccupied at the moment, I guess I have to finish the intro. So, without further adieu my dear friends, we proudly present: 

#  Gundam Wing Does "Dracula" 

  


_ Be afraid... Be very, very afraid... _

**SCENE: ** A Rumanian village deep in the heart of the Balkans, circa 1880 or so, just before sunset.   
*A carriage pulls up to an inn and out steps a dapper young English man. *   
**Duo (As Renfield): ** May, what a charmingly quaint little village! (Grimaces in distaste.) Man, that line suck! Who the hell wrote this script, FUNamition?   
*An elderly innkeeper [Howard] walks over to him. *   
**Howard: ** Excuse me, sir. There are plenty of rooms here for you to spend the night.   
**Duo: **No thank you. I have an appointment with the Count this evening, so I have to be going.   
**Howard: ** (Goes SD from shock.) You aren't serious about this?   
**Duo: ** You bet your wrinkled butt I am! Now, where can I get a ride up to the castle?   
**Howard: **(Still SD.) Are you crazy? This place is rife with the most vile and foul undead beasts! If you so much as set foot out doors after the sun has set, they'll get you! And don't even get me started on the Castle!   
**Duo: ** (Sarcastic.) Oh no! Not the vile undead! Oh, woe is me, what ever shall I do? Do you really believe all of this vampire bullshit?   
**Howard: ** (Nods.)   
**Duo: ** ... Okay...Well, if you're quite done, I really have to be going now.   
*A mysterious, black carriage rolls to a stop in front of the inn. *   
**Duo: ** Wow, now that's convenient.   
*He starts to board the carriage. *   
**Voice: ** Wait!   
*Out of nowhere, Noin, dressed up like Luna from 'Lunar Story Complete' [Trust me, if you've seen that outfit, you'd be having a fit right about now. - V-chan], bounds up to Duo. *   
**Noin: ** (Doing a crappy Gypsy impersonation.) Oh, please my dear Herr do not go! There is much danger laying ahead if you choose to travel at night. The mountains are crawling with...   
**Duo: ** I know, I know! There are vampire loose in those mountains! (He picks up his luggage.) Now, if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment to keep!   
**Noin: ** Very well, but please take this. (She offers Duo her rosary. [You know, one of those crosses on the beads.]) It's holy aura shall protect you against the vile undead.   
**Duo: ** Oh no, I couldn't possiblly...   
**Noin: ** Please!   
**Duo: ** (Whips out his own rosary.) But I've already got one!   
**Noin: ** (Dropping the accent) Look, just take the damn thing!   
**Duo: ** (Annoyed) Okay, okay...{Geez, don't have a cow!}   
*He takes the rosary and climbs into the carriage. With it's passenger safely (Well, reasonable safe that is!) aboard, the carrige speeds off toward the onimious Castle Dracula! 'Oniomious Piano Music!' 

**SCENE: ** Outside the forbodding Castle Dracula. 'Onimious Piano Music!'   
*The carriage stops just inside the courtyard.*   
**Driver [Rashid]: ** My Herr, we're here.   
*Duo exits the carriage and stares at the Castle (More Onimious Piano Music!) as the driver unloads his luggage.*   
**Duo: ** Whoa! Hey, who'd the Count rent this place off of, Rob Zombie? (He turns around, but the driver and the carriage have vanished.) Okay, this is getting creepy.   
*He picks up his bags and walks up to the door. Hesitantly, he grasps one of the hideous doorknockers and tries to pull it back, but it's rusted to the plate. Instead, he timidly knocks on the door. With a belabored groan, the door swings open. Slowly, he walks into the dark, empty hall.*   
**Duo: ** (Looking around.) Well, looks like nobody's home. (Nervous laugh.) Guess I'll be going back to the villag now! (He bolts for the door, but it slams shut in his face.)   
**Voice: ** Now, now, Mister Renfield. I assure you that won't be necessary.   
*Standing at the top of the staircase is Trowa [Who, if you haven't guess by now, is Dracula!], dressed in an evening suit. [Well, the late 19th equivalent of one!]   
**Trowa: ** I'm glad to see that you've arrived safely form England, Mister Renfield.   
*He floats elegantly down the staircase. [Literally!]   
**Duo: ** (Awed.) ooooohhhh...spiffy!   
**Trowa: ** (Stares blankly at Duo.) ...   
**Duo: ** Yes...well, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, Count Dracula. (Reaches out his hand to shake.)   
**Trowa: ** (He grasps his hand in a vice-like grip.) You are most welcome in my home, Mister Renfield.   
**Duo: ** ITAI!!! (Weakly.) Trowa...could...you...let...go...of...my...hand...PLEASE!!   
**Trowa: ** Opps! errr... Sorry. (He lets go of him.) You must be tired and faminished from your journey, so allow me to offer you my hospitality. [HORSE-BRUTALITY! ^.^]   
**Duo: ** (Face lighting up at the mention of food.) Thank you! You're just too kind!   
*Trowa leads him upstairs to a cozy little room with a table laden with food, an immense fireplace, and two huge [And when I say huge, I mean **HUGE!**] windows.*   
**Duo: **   
**Duo: ** (Drooling.) Nice spread! [Not _that_ kind of spread, preverts!] (He seats himself at the table and plows into the food.)   
**Trowa: ** Feel free to eat as much as you like. (He steps into the shadows near one of the windows.) I've already dined tonight, so I hope you'll excuse me for not dining with you.   
**Duo: ** (Between mouthfuls.) No problemo, senor!   
*Wolves began to howl in the distance.*   
**Trowa: ** (Erriely silohuetted in front of the window.) Listen to them- The children of the night. What music they make! (Notices that Duo has stop eatting and is staring at him.) Forgive me, you must be tired! (He takes a lamp and lights it.) Allow me to show you to your room.   
**Duo: ** Uh...okay. {Man, I hope this isn't one of those lemon fics. Otherwise, Quatre's gonna kill me...}   
*Trowa leads him down the hall to a spacious bedroom. (Duo sweatdrops.)*   
**Duo: ** GULP! {Okay, now I know I'm not going to like this...}   
**Trowa: ** GULP! {GOD, I hope she isn't making this a lemon scene...}   
[I'm evil, aren't I? BWAHAHAHAHA!! ~ V-chan.]   
**Duo: ** (Nervously taking the lamp.) Thank you for...your hospitality. [HORSE-BRUTALITY!]   
**Trowa: ** No, thank you, my dear, dear guest. {Oh *bleep*! This is a LEMON!}   
*Both whip out their scripts and check to make sure this ain't a lemon scene. [Which it isn't! PG-13, doncha' know.]*   
**Duo: ** Thank GOD!   
**Trowa: ** You said it, man! (Getting back in character.) Sleep well, Mister Renflied.   
*He closes the door, leaving an unnerved Duo to get ready for bed. He crawls int the vast canopy bed.*   
**Duo: ** {It'd be a mircale if I can sleep in a messed up place like this!} (He yawns.) Well...maybe...I...just...*SNORE!* (He dozes off.)   
*A few moments later, two scantily clad vampiress [Hilde and Dorothy.] float into the room and start doing...'ahem'...'naughty' things to the bedposts.*   
*Groggily, Duo looks up and facevaults.*   
**Duo: ** HUH?! Who the hell are you...and what the freak are you doing to the furniture?!   
*Hilde and Dorothy look at each other, than at Duo. They grin evilly and crawl into the bed.*   
**Duo: ** (Sweatdrop.) Now...ladies...let's not...do anything...rash...   
*They cuddle up to Duo and start groping him.*   
**Duo: ** Uh...wait a sec... Isn't this fic supposed to be rated "PG-13"?!   
*Ahem! NEway, they start doing...errr...'naughty' things to Duo.*   
**Duo: ** (Freaking out.) HEY! STOP THAT! This is WRONG! This is VERY, VERY WRONG!   
*They start going at more enthuastically.*   
**Duo: ** (Getting into it.) This...is...*groan*...wrong! This is...*sigh* wrong... This is... Awah what the hell! WRONG ME! WRONG ME! WRONG MY *bleep*-ING BRAINS OUT!!!!!   
*Things start to get...err, AHEM! Well, you know... when Trowa walks by the wide open door. He does a double take.*   
**Trowa: ** What the... EXCUSE ME, LADIES!! [oooooohhh...cat-fight! MEEEEOOOOW! HISS-HISS!]   
*They stop what [who! *Snicker*] they were doing and look up at him in surprise.*   
**Hilde: ** Awah shit!   
**Dorothy: ** And right at the fun part, too!   
**Trowa: ** ...! (DEATH GLARE!) OUT!   
**Hilde: ** Awaaaah...come on! Can't we play with him some more?   
**Dorothy: ** Pretty please?   
**Torwa: ** (Even deadlier DEATH GLARE!) *GROWLS!*   
**Hilde: ** Alright... {*bleep*-hole!}   
**Dorothy: ** You never let us have any fun! {FAG!}   
*They stomp out of the room. Trowa sit down beside Duo.*   
**Duo: ** (Confused.) What the hell just happened?   
**Trowa: ** Nothing. You were having a nightmare, nothing more. [Erotic Nightmares/ Beyond any Measure!/ And Sensous Daydreams/ To treasure Forever......]   
**Duo: ** But I could have swron that there were two half-naked women in the bed with me, and they were doing the most obscene things to me! (Softly.) And the sick part is...I _liked_ it!   
*Offstage...*   
**Vegeta [DBZ]: ** You would, wouldn't you? YOU SICK LITTLE *bleep*!   
**Zelgadis [Slayers]: ** DUO NO HENTAI!! [Translation: "Duo's a perv!"]   
**Chaine: ** (Whacking both upside the head with a mallet.) I told you guys, NO CAMEOS!!   
**Trowa: **(Sweatdrop.){Okay...} Methinks you are so fatiqued from you travels that you're halluicinating. (Smiles politely.) Perhaps I can help you sleep better with an old Romanian technique and rid you of those nightmares.   
**Duo: ** (Yawning.) Otay.   
**Trowa: **(Sternly looking into his eyes.) Look deeply into my eyes and listen to the sound of my voice: You are getting sleepy...Very sleepy. You're eyelids are growing heavy...drooping... You will....   
*Duo thups against him, asleep [...and drooling.]*   
**Trowa: ** {Great...} Duo...Wake-up Duo. (Getting pissed.) GET THE HELL OFF OF ME, DAMMIT! You fell asleep too soon! {BAKA!}   
**Duo: ** Opps...Sorry, my bad!   
**Trowa: ** (Serious again.) *AHEM!* As I was saying... You will obey my every command. You're only desire is to do my bidding and insure my safety. {Oh man...THAT didn't sound right...}   
**Duo: ** {I KNEW! THIS IS A LEMON!} Umm...no!   
Trowa and Duo take out their script.   
[AGAIN WITH THE SCRIPTS! Geez... Don't they trust me?]   
**Both: ** No, we DON'T!   
**Duo: ** Well...looks like we're safe...for now.   
**Trowa: ** Well, let's get it over with!   
**Duo: ** Otay! (Back in character.) Yeeeessss, master. {God, now THAT really doesn't sound right!}   
**Trowa: ** Good! (Gets up and starts toward the door.) Now get some rest, for tommorrow night we shall be on our way to London! BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!   
'EVEN MORE ONIMIOUS PIANO MUSIC!!' 

_....And so, Duo succumbs to the darkest. Will V-chan continue her annoying "Rocky Horror" references? Will there be even more unwanted cameos? And what of the rest of the Gundam boys? Percisely what sort of depraved, sick, twisted things does she have in store for them in "Part 2"? Well, you just have to wait and see! Until the next fic!   
Ja-na! _

V-CHAN 


	2. Part 2

Hello, people! I'd like to thank you for the positive reviews I've gotten so far on "GW does Dracula!" (Even though I was secretly wishing at least one person flame me for the YOAI stuff! Yes, I am a closet masochist. ^_~!) Anyway, I just want to thank you for reading this meager little tidbit o' text that I've dared to call a story. Now, on with the show!   
V-chan 

**SCENE: ** Pleasant English manor/insane asylum just outside of London. Dr. Seward [Zechs] is enjoying breakfast with his friends, Quinn Morris [Sally], and Lord Gadolming [Trieze], out in the garden.   
**Sally: ** How dreadful! (She shakes her head in dismay as she tosses the paper on the table.)   
**Trieze: ** What's the matter?   
**Sally: ** This! (She point to the headline: 'Horrific Shipwreck!') The entire crew was found dead under mysterious circumstances. [Oooooooh...Sense a little foreshadowing here?]   
**Trieze: ** Oh, I've heard of that. But wasn't there one sole survivor? [Oooooooh...more foreshadowing...]   
**Zechs: ** (Flatly.) Yes, there was. I think his name was Renfield. [Dun-dun-DUN!] (Sips his tea.) But by the time they rescued him, the man was stark raving mad.   
**Sally: ** What did they do with the poor man?   
**Zechs: ** (Still monotone.) They sent him to this very asylum in the hope that with time, and intensive shock treatment...   
*Offstage...*   
**Duo: ** INTENSIVE SHOCK TREATMENT?! I DON'T THINK SO, V-CHAN!   
[Bad Duo! (Pokes him with a cattle prod.)]   
**Duo: ** Itai!    
**Zechs: ** ... he may be able to tell the authorities what happened.   
**Sally: ** That poor, poor man. (Sighs sadly.)   
**Trieze: ** Now, now, let's not dwell on such depressing matters gentlemen... (Sally gives him a DEATH GLARE.) AHEM! I mean, gentleman and lady. (He stands and gestures dramatically.) Today, let us be happy, for the good doctor's son and his ' friend' from boarding school should be here any moment now.   
*Everyone pauses and awaits his or her entrance, but no one comes out. *   
**Trieze: ** AHEM... I said, 'the good doctor's son and his friend should be here soon'!   
*More waiting...*   
**Sally: ** Hey boys! That's your cue to come out! {Geez...what are they doing back there?}   
**Trieze: **(Under his breathe.) They must be making out again! {I told her she should've cast Relena as Mina, but NOOOOOO... V insisted on Quatre!} Millinardo, do you have any idea what's going on?   
**Zechs: ** (Just sips his tea and shrugs indifferently.)   
*Finally, Amelia [Slayers.] trots onstage. *   
**Amelia: ** I'm sorry about the delay, but it can't be helped.   
**Sally & Trieze: ** Why?   
**Amelia: ** Uh...well...We're having some...ummmm...minor technical difficulties... 

*Meanwhile, backstage...* 

**Wufei: ** INJUSTICE! I refuse to do this!   
**Quatre: ** But Wufei...   
**Wufei: ** 'But Wufei' nothing! I will not go through with this! It's degrading! IT'S AN INSULT TO MY MANHOOD!   
**Quatre: ** So what's so degrading about this? We're just acting.   
**Wufei: ** But we're acting out the roles of Mina and Lucy! These are WOMEN'S roles!!   
**Quatre: ** Geez...You make it sound like she's making us dress in drag! [Wuffie...In a DRESS... *shudders*.] I still don't see what you're problem is.   
**Wufei: ** (Nastily.) Oh, of course you don't mind playing a woman's role.   
**Quatre: ** And what do you mean by THAT?   
**Wufei: ** Quit playing dumb! Everyone knows about you and Trowa.   
**Quatre: ** Huh? Wufei, what are you saying?   
**Wufei: ** You want me to spell it out for you? (Flying into a rage.) WE ALL KNOW YOU BOTH HAVE BEEN *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep* [Censored for the sake of our more sensitive readers. Let's just say Wuffie proves he's not really supportive of Quatre's 'life-style'.]   
**Quatre: ** (Stands there, mouth agape and SD, in shock.) I...can't...believe...you just said that!   
**Wufei: ** Oh, those are just the 'nice' things I could say about the likes of you! [Yay those likes!]   
[*OCC WARNING!!! *]   
**Quatre: ** (Majorly pissed.) Well, there's a hell of a lot of things I could say about you and Trieze...or how about you and NATKU! [You blew it b-*bleep*!]   
**Wufei: ** HOW DARE YOU BRING NATKU INTO THIS! (Draws a HUGE sword from out of nowhere.) YOU.... [*CENSORED! *]   
*Quatre flees the room, apologizing all the way. *   
**Lina Inverse [Slayers]: ** Well, I guess he couldn't reason with him. (She walks into Wufei's dressing room.)   
**Quatre: ** Are you sure about this, Chaine-san?   
**Chaine: ** Oh, don't worry! I assure you that she won't harm him. Why, I have it on excellent authority that Lina is the perfect person to get this done peacefully.   
*Suddenly, they hear shouting from the room. *   
**Wufei: ** GET THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE, YOU FLAT CHESTED LITTLE WEAKLING!   
**Juuana-gou (#17) [DBZ]: ** Oooooooh...somebody's gonna get fire-balled!   
**Lina: ** ALRIGHT! YOU'RE SO DEAD NOW! BURST RONDO!!!!!!!   
*Sound of a MASSIVE explosion. Smoke pours out of the door as Lina exits. *   
**Lina: ** Hmph! Maybe that'll teach you not to insult a lady.   
**Chaine: ** (Hangs his head and sighs.) That's the last time I'll listen to Xellos...   
**Wufei: ** (Charred and burnt.)  Medic! 

*Back onstage...* 

**Amelia: ** (Trotting back onstage.) Okay folks! Miss Lina has fixed the problem, so let's get the show on the road.   
**Trieze: ** Finally! (Stands back up.) Well, as I was saying, the doctor's son and his friend should be here any moment now.   
*They hold their breath in antici-...[Say It!] PATION! [*Guitar riff. *]*   
**Quatre: ** DAD! (He bounds onstage and glomps Zechs.)   
**Zechs: ** (Deadpan.) Oh...*sip*, nice to see you too, William. (Half-heartedly pats him on the back.)   
**Quatre: ** Oh, it's just GRAND to be home again!   
**Trieze: ** (Catty.) Over doing it a bit, aren't we? [MEEEEOOOWWW! HISS-HISS!]   
**Quatre: ** (Ignoring Trieze.) I'd like you to meet my roommate, Lucas Westrina. (He drags a very uncooperative Wufei onstage.)   
[*HENTAI ALERT! HENTAI ALERT! *]   
**Trieze: ** Oooh...this fic just got interesting... (He smiles devilishly.)   
**Sally: ** Back off, flower boy! He's mine!   
**Wufei: ** (HUGE SWEATDROP!) {I'm going to kill that crazy woman for this...} (Grits his teeth and bows.) Konichi wa, mina-san.   
**Quatre: ** (Smiling nervously.) He's just a little shy. {Oh man...}(He sits down beside Zechs.)   
**Trieze: ** (Pulling out a chair for Wufei.) You look tired, my dear. Please, have a seat.   
**Wufei: ** (Trying not to go postal.) Thank you, sir.   
[*HENTAI ALERT! HENTAI ALERT! *]   
**Trieze: ** Please, call me Trey. (He promptly gropes Wufei.)   
**Wufei: ** (Eyebrow twitch and veins bulging.) Trieze, if you don't take your hands off me, I swear I'm going to kick your sorry a-*bleep*.   
*Reluctantly, Trieze removes his hand. Quatre looks away in embarrassment. *   
**Zechs: ** (Sips his tea, unconcerned about what just happened.) William, your fiancée has invited us and our guest to the opera this evening. *Sip* [Thank god! At least someone's keeping to the script!]   
**Quatre: ** (Genuinely ecstatic) WONDERFUL!!! I've missed my darling koibito [Jap. for "lover."] sooooooooo badly! (Notices everyone [expect Zechs, who just sips his tea.] has a sweat drop and they're giving him funny looks.) *BLUSH! * That, and I'm sure Lucas would just love to meet John.   
**Wufei: ** (Eyebrow twitching even more.) This is just wrong!   
**Trieze: ** Well then, (He stands.) I suppose we should leave and let you boys settle in. Good day, Seward. (He leans into Wufei's ear.) I'll be in box 4. (Leaves.)   
**Sally: ** Bye. (Goes up to Wufei and whispers in his other ear.) I'll be in box 6. (Leaves.)   
**Wufei: ** *GROWLS*. 

...And that brings us to the end of Part 2! In the next part, there'll be even more debaucheries and rampant OOC-ing than you can shake a stick at! Until the next fic...   
Ja-na! 

V-chan 


	3. Part 3

Hello everyone, and welcome back to the madness that is "GW does 'Dracula'!" I hope you enjoyed part two, seeing that I only got about three reveiws for it...(grrrrr....) Anyway, this is part three, and, as I promised, it is a lot longer than part two (Hopefully!). If there are any people out there who don't want to see certain Arabian or Chinese pilots acting wildly OOC[Big hint folks!], than please leave this fic at once! Otherwise, sit back and enjoy the mayhem!! 

**SCENE:** Later on that evening, at an illustrious London opera house. Zechs takes his seat, a fresh cup of tea in hand. Relena [Johnath Hawker] sits next to him. In the hall, Quatre is busy trying to rescue Wufei from the amorous advances of Trieze. Wufei takes advantage of the blonde's distraction and slips into the box.   
**Wufei:** (Pissed off, as usual.) Dammit! I swear I'm going to kill that son of a... (Notices Relena sitting there.) What the hell are you doing here, woman?   
**Relena:** (Politely.) I'm playing the role of Johnath[an] Hawker.   
**Wufei:** Nani?! I thought Trowa got that part.   
**Relena:** No, he didn't.   
**Wufei:** So, woman, which part did he get?   
**Relena:** You should know. Weren't you at the casting call?   
**Wufei:** No I wasn't! I had more important things to do, like fighting for justice, STUPID WOMAN!!   
**Relena:** Ummm...you have read the whole script then, haven't you?   
**Wufei:** *Sullen silence.*   
**Relena:** *Sweatdrop.* {I hope he knows what going to happen to him later on...}   
*Quatre burst into the room and unknowingly glomps Relena.*   
**Quatre:** (Estatic.) TROWA, DARLING! (Suddenly realizes who he's hugging.) RELENA?!   
**Relena:** (Equally shocked.) QUATRE?!   
**Wufei:** Well, well, now who's the baka who missed casting call? *Smug laugh.*   
**Relena & Quatre:** *DEATH GLARE!*   
**Zechs:** *sip*   
**Quatre:** Let me guess; You're playing Johnatan.   
**Relen:** And you got Mina.   
*They slump into their respective seats.*   
**Voice:** Excuse me, but may I join you.   
*Everyone turns and [Excluding Zechs.] facevaults in surprise.*   
**Quatre:** TROWA?!   
**Trowa:** QUATRE?!   
**Relena:** TROWA?!   
**Trowa:** RELENA?!   
**Wufei:** NANI?!   
**Zechs:** (Dead calm.) *sip!*   
**Quatre:** TROWA?!   
**Trowa:** QUATRE?!   
**Relena:** TROWA?!   
**Trowa:** RELENA?!   
**Wufei:** NANI?!   
**Zechs:** (Zenlike calm.) *sip!*   
**Quatre:** TROWA?!   
**Trowa:** QUATRE?!   
**Relena:** TROWA?!   
**Trowa:** RELENA?!   
**Wufei:** NANI?!   
[Boy, do I ever need to stop watching "Rocky Horror"!]   
**Zechs:** (Takes another sip of tea.)Have a seat, Barton.   
*Trowa sits between Quatre and Wufei. An awkward silence falls upon them. Wufei whips out his script.*   
**Wufei:** (As he reads.) What the... (He leaps out of his chair.) INJUSTICE! I'VE SUFFERED TROUGH THE ABUSE AND HUMILATION YOU'VE WROUGHT LONG ENOUGH, V-CHAN!(He throws down his script and flips the author the bird.) SCREW YOU, AMA! I'M LEAVING! (He storms out, ranting.)   
**Quatre:** I wonder what his problem is now?   
**Relena:** Don't tell me you didn't read the script either...   
*Quatre takes his script out and looks the scene over.*   
**Quatre:** WHAT THE FUCK?!?!   
[*V-chan falls out of her chair.* HOLY SHIT! DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT?!]   
**Zechs:** (Drops his cup from shock.) Quatre...did y-y-you just curse?   
**Relena:** (Shakily.) I...I can't b-b-beleive it...   
**Trowa:** ?!   
**Quatre:** (Noticing everyone's shock.) Well, you'd be pissed to it you had to set through...through...   
**Trowa:** Through what?   
*Quatre hands him the script and angrily points to the offending passage.*   
**Trowa:** Excuse me. (He walks backstage and brags into the director's office.)   
**Chaine:** Yeeeeessssss.... How may I help you?   
**Trowa:** Were the hell is she?   
**Chaine:** Who? Catherine?   
**Trowa:** No, V-chan. I need to speak with her.   
**Chaine:** Ummm...I'm sorry but you can't see her.   
**Trowa:** Perhaps I'm not making myself clear... (He pulls an uzi from out of nowhere and puts it in Chaine's face.) I want to see V, NOW!   
**Chaine:** Ummm...that not gonna really do any damage to me. Afterall, I am from a DBZ fic. {Or soon will be if V-chan gets off her lazy butt and writes the damn thing!}   
**Trowa:** Damn. I forgot. (The uzi vanishes and he grabs a sword.)   
**Miri Trunks [DBZ]:** HEY! THAT'S MY SWORD!   
**Trowa:** I only need it for a second. (Puts it dangerous close to Chaine's throat.) Now, tell V-chan to get in here.   
**Chaine:** Okay, okay! (Pushes a buzzer on his desk.) But it's your funeral.   
*Suddenly, the skies burst apart and a beam of light spews forth. Shourded in fog, an impressivelyl cloak figure descendes from on high and floats before the insolent fool who hath raised her ire.*   
**Chaine:** Boy, we're just full of ourselves today, aren't we?   
**V-chan:** Watch it, neko-boy! (Turns to Trowa.) What's so important that you just had to see me?   
**Trowa:** Well, some of us, myself included, are having a problem with this scene.   
**V-chan:** Yeah, well that's just too bad.   
**Trowa:** But I have a boyfriend!   
**V-chan:** I know, but you have to do it. It's in the script!   
**Trowa:** I'd like to see you make me!   
**V-chan:** Wrong answer. (Blows a whistle.)   
*A cherry red convertible crashes through the wall and pulls up in front of them. The driver, a white-haired biseinen, leaps out of it and walks to V-chan.*   
**Akio [Revolutionary Girl Utena]:** You called?   
**V-chan:** Why yes, I did. Remember that bishounen I promised you a while back...   
**Trowa:** (Scared shitless.) Alright V, you made your point. *Nervous laugh.* I'm going back to the fic now like a good little performer. (He discreetly flees for...*cough!*...safety.)   
**Akio:** Damn! And he was cute, too.   
**V-chan:** *Sweatdrop.* Ummm...okay.   
*Someone tugs on her cloak.*   
**Amelia [Slayers]:** Excuse, Miss V-chan, but there's just one little problem; Mister Wufei has left the fic.   
**V-chan:** Oh, don't worry. He should be back here right about...NOW!   
*In flies Goku [DBZ] with a gagged and strait-jacketed Wuffie slung over his shoulder.*   
**Goku:** I gotta 'em, V! (That stupid grin of his is plastered on his face.) Now, can I have my reward?   
**V-chan:** Sure! (Hands him a "Get One Meal Free" coupon for Shoney's.) Run along now.   
**Goku:** *Estatic* Argatou gozaimasu! (He teleports to the nearest Shoney's.)   
**V-chan:** (Smiles evilly at Wuffie.) Now that you realize it's futile to escape this fic, I must insist that you cooperate. Otherwise...   
*Akio eyes him hungerly.*   
**Wufei:** *Muffled whimpers.*   
**V-chan:** Chaine, return Mr. Chang to his place.   
*The author and the light vanish, and the office returns to normal.*   
**Chaine:** Well, you heard the woman. (Drags Wufei back on set) 

~*~*~*~ 

**Relena:** I wonder if Trowa's finishe working this out with V-chan.   
**Zechs:** *sip!* I hope so. Otherwise, things are going to get ugly...   
**Quatre:** (Catty.) She'd better have change this scene.   
[*BOOMING DISEMBODY VOICE ALERT!*]   
**V-chan:** No, I didn't. Now stop being so frickin' pissy! It's just not like you.   
**Relena & Quatre:** (Awed) How she'd do that?!   
**Zechs:** Author powers. *sip!*   
**Both:** Oh...   
*Trowa walks in, followed by Chaine with Wufei in tow. Chaine shoves him into the nearest chair and leaves.*   
**Trowa:** Well, let's get this over with. (He ungags Wufei.)   
**Wufei:** INJUSTICE! (He begins struggling to get out of the strait-jacket.) WHEN I GET OUTTA THIS THING, I'M GOING TO... *GLUG!*   
*Zechs forces some of his tea down Wufei throat. As soon as he swallows, the Wu-man relaxes and becomes docile.*   
**Wufei:** (Dreamily.) Mmmm...yummy. Can I have some more?   
**Relena:** Umm... Milliardo-chan, what's in that tea?   
**Zechs:** I'm not sure. You'll have to ask that Xellos fellow. He's the one who made it.   
**Relena:** On second thought, maybe I don't want to know.   
**V-chan:** Umm...can we please get back to the fic? (Makes the strait-jacket vanish.)   
**Zechs:** Alright. (In character.) Well, *sip!* to whom do we owe this visit?   
**Trowa:** (Laughs softly.) Forgive me. I'm so well known in my native coutry that I often forget to introduce myself. (Bows slightly.) I am Count Vald Dracula. [Return of the ONIMIOUS PIANO MUSIC!] I just arrived in your beatuifull country.   
**Relena:** You're quite welcome here, sir. Allow me to introduce you. I'm Jhonath Hawker, this is fiancee, William, (Gestures to Quatre, then to Zechs.) And his father, Dr. Seward.   
**Trowa:** (Forcing himself.) And who is this..._lovely_ creature.   
**Wufei:** (Giggling like a school-girl. [o.O*!]) I'm Lucas...Lucas Westrina.   
**Trowa:** Such a beatuiful name...(He strokes his neck.) And such a beatuiful throat. [OMINIOUS but EROTIC PIANO MUSIC.] (Sweat drop.) {Now that was just wrong.}   
**Wufei:** *GIGGLES even more*   
**Quatre:** grr... (DEATH GLARES Wufei.) Back off my man, you...   
*Relena nudges him in the ribs. Trowa sweat drops.*   
**Zechs:** (Oblivious to them.) So, *sip!* where are you staying, Count?   
**Trowa:** Oh, I've just purchased Brooke's Abbey [Subtle pun, folks.] and some of the surrounding land.   
**Zechs:** Hontou? *sip!* Brooke's Abbey is right next to my manor/asylum. *sip!* Perhaps you might stop by one of these days for some tea.   
**Trowa:** Why of course, doctor. I'd be happy to visit your home, seeing as you have _TWO_ of the most delightfully youths living there with you. [Oh...sucking up now, arent' we?]   
*Wufei giggles, Quatre blushes, and Relena just rolls her eyes.* 

**~*~ Later on that evening... ~*~**

**SCENE:** Seward Manor/Asylum.   
*Wufei, after receiving another fix of Xellos-chan's Strange Brew [*Patent-pending*], is getting ready for bed. From his balcony, Trowa [less than] eagerly watches him. Noticing that he's being watch, Wufei giggles and teasingly starts stripping.*   
**Treize:** Quick Une, get a camera!   
**Lady Une:** Already filming, sir!   
*Sally appears with a wad of dollar bills in hand.*   
**V-chan:** BAD! (Promptly shocks the lot of 'em with her mystic cattle prod.) [Hentais!]   
*When he gets to his undies, Wufei pulls the shades closed. [Can't you just see Quatre seething in the background?]*   
*Trowa transforms into a bat and...*   
**Duo:** WHOA! STOP THE FIC! Just how the hell is Trowa able to pull that one off?   
**V-chan:** Because I said so, baka!   
**Duo:** That's not good enough!   
**V-chan:** I'm warning you braid-boy, you're treading on thin ice...   
**Duo:** I don't care! All I wanna know is how the heck you got all those super spiffy special effects and stuff.   
**V-chan:** Uh... I used my nifty power of Omni-something.   
**Duo:** Bullshit!   
**V-chan:** Alright! I made Lina teach me Ra-Wing. Happy?   
**Duo:** No. That doesn't explain the bat thing.   
**V-chan:** Oh, that's easy. I just made Pu'ar [DBZ] turn into a copy of Trowa and then change into a bat.   
**Duo:** That flying blue cat can do that?!  Mondo cool! 

_ We now return you to your regularly scheduled fic._

*...And he flies to the window. Deftly, he steals into the room and, crouching over his sleeping victim, proceeds to bite Wufei's tender neck and drink his blood.*   
**Trowa:** ... (Just stands there and stares at Wufei.)   
**V-chan:** AHEM! I said, "...and he proceeds to bite Wufei's neck!"   
**Trowa:** I won't do it.   
**V-chan:** You have to, remember. It's in the script.   
**Trowa:** You can't make me! Nah-nah! (Sticks his tongue out.)   
**V-chan:** Wow, that was so mature. [Sarcasm! Sarcasm!] Now, do it! Or else...   
**Trowa:** Or else what?   
**V-chan:** (Evil smile.) Or else...   
*Akio appears in a smoking jacket [Ala Hugh Huffner.], iced drink in hand. He jiggles a set of keys for the NO-TELL Motel and winks at him.*   
**Trowa:** No! (He cowers.) You're _evil_, V! Pure _EVIL_!   
**V-chan:** Thank you, _pericious_. Now, bite!   
*Reluctantly, Trowa leans over the unconcious Wufei and bites his neck.*   
**Akio:** Mmmm... Kinky. (Starts to sneak toward them.)   
**V-chan:** I don't think so! (Grabs Akio and drags him out of the room.* 

...And so ends Part 3! In our next installment, you finally get to see what horrible things I've done to our favorite perfect soldier and...   
  
*Suddenly, an extremely tall, damphyre appears.*   
**D [Vampire Hunter D]:** Veronica, I cannot allow you to continue this fic!   
**V-chan:** Why?!   
**D:** It's an afrontment to all vampire hunters. What you did to Yuy is an inslut to our trade!   
**V-chan:** Are you sure this isn't about the costume?   
**D:** ...(Just glares.)   
**That face in D's palm:** Yep, that's what's bugging him.   
**V-chan:** I thought so! Lookie here, D-chan; I will not be threatened into stopping my fic just because you have a problem with my choice of outfits! Now, begone so I may finish my outro!   
*D turns and leaves.*   
**V-chan:** Well, guess you all will just have to wait and find out. Until the next fic. This is V-chan signing off! 

Ja-na! 

_

~*~*~ Reviews, comments, and advice is greatly appericated by this author, so please give me some! ~*~*~ 

_


	4. Part 4

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to super-super-SUPER late Part 4 of "GW does Dracula!" In this installment, you'll finally get to see what evilness I wrought onto the Perfect Soldier himself, Heero! [Crowd cheers!] But first I'd like to apologize for taking so long in posting this. [Both my brothers are addicted to Diablos and Starcraft.] Gomen nasai! One last little bit before I go: Some of the jokes that will be in here will be easier to understand [and funnier!] if you've seen the anime film "Vampire Hunter D". If you've never seen it, please take a moment to look it up on the net. Now, onto the fic! 

**SCENE: ** Next morning...   
*Quatre bounds into Wufei's room, super cheery and perky. * [Obviously he's a morning person...]   
**Quatre: ** (Super-super cute) Rise and shine sleepy head! (He yanks open the shades.) It's a beautiful day!   
*Growling in pain [and annoyance], Wufei buries his head under the covers. *   
**Wufei: ** Kisama! Close those *bleep*-ing shades and get the hell out of my room!   
**Quatre: ** *SIGH! * {Looks like he's back to his old self today...} Quit beinging stubborn, Wuffie. It's time for you to get out of bed! (He walks to the bed and pulls the blanket off.) GASP!!   
* An extremely pale and sickly looking Wufei feebly glares at him. *   
**Wufei: ** What the hell are you staring at, baka?   
**Quatre: ** *Nervous laugh* Oh, nothing.Umm...I've got to go.   
*He bolts out of the room and runs out into the garden where, once again, Zechs is having breakfast with Trieze, Sally, and now Relena. *   
**Quatre: ** Zechs! I mean, Millinardo! I mean, DAD!   
Backstage...   
**Vegeta: ** Looks like the girly boy can't get his lines straight. *Laughs nastily*   
**V-chan: ** SILENCE VEGGIE! *Shocks him repeatedly with the cattle prod. *   
**Vegeta: ** @.@  You'll pay for this!    
**Zechs: ** *Sip* Yes, _son_.   
**Quatre: ** Something horrible has happened to Wufei...doh! I mean Lucas!   
**Trieze: ** WHAT?! (Leaps out of his seat and grabs Quatre by the arms, shaking him violently.) What's happened to my little dragon?! (Shakes him harder.) TELL ME!   
**Quatre: **@.@!  (Faints.)   
**Relena: ** TRIEZE, PUT HIM DOWN! THAT IS NO WAY TO GET AN ANSWER!   
**Sally: ** She's right! (Pulls Quatre out of his grasp and hands him to Relena.) Besides, Wufei isn't _your_ 'Little Dragon.' He's _MINE_!   
**Trieze: ** Oh, I beg to differ, b-*bleep*!   
**Sally: ** Bring it on, you goddamn *bleep*!   
*They glare at each other, sparks shooting from their eyes. *[CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT!]   
**Quatre: ** (Coming back around and looking up at Relena.) T...t-Trowa?    
**Relena: ** *Sweat drop! * Umm...no. Me Relena.   
**Quatre: **Awah, damn! So this isn't some crazy nightmare?   
**Relena: ** I only wish it was, Quatre-chan. I only wish it was.   
*Sally and Trieze are still locked in their DEATHGLARES(c), ready to rip each other's throats out. *   
**V-chan:** Could you two please cut it out and get on with the damn fic!   
**Zechs:** *sip* At last, the voice of reason!   
*Everyone stares at him.*   
**Zechs:** What?   
**Everyone:** Nothing...   
*Zechs shurgs, and picking up the teapot and another cup, leads the way to Wufei's room. * 

**SCENE:** Doctor Seward's study, later that day.   


~*~*~*~

  
**Duo:**Whoa there! You can't just switch scenes on us like that!   
**V-chan:** Why not?   
**Duo:**Cause it's confusing! (Goes chibi and whines.) Besides, I wanna know what happened after they went into Wuffie's room!   
**V-chan:** But Duo-chan! The readers wanna see Heero in this fic!   
**Duo:** (Still chibi, tears welling up in his eyes.) But, *sniffle* what about me? (Lip quivers.) Don't you like me?   
**V-chan:** Of course I like you, Duo-chan! (Huggles Duo.) But I'm doing this for the sake of my fans, like the great authoresses Chibi Lurel and Shingami Baby. And let's not forget those kind people who reviewed me, such as Elf!   
**Duo:** (Reverts to normal.) Well, okay. But I'm only letting you off because it's for the fans.   
**V-chan:** Thankies! (Kisses Duo on the cheek.)   
**Duo:** O.O *Blush*   


~*~*~*~

  
*Trieze looks out the window, deep in thought, while Sally, Relena, and Zechs try to think of how they can help poor Wufei.*   
**Sally:** He's appears to have lost an ungodly amount of blood.   
**Relena:** Yes, but how? There weren't any cuts or other liasons on Wufei big enough to cause that much blood lose.   
**Zechs:** *Thoughtfull sips his tea.* Hmm...There seems to be no rational explaination for his sudden illness.   
*Suddenly, Trieze truns to them with a dramatic flourish.*   
**Trieze:** There's only one man who can help us in this matter! (He walks out of the study, only pausing for a theatrical flick of his cape.)   
**Relena:** What was that all about?   
**Zechs:** *Sip.* I don't know. *Sip* 

**SCENE:** Windswept field of ungodly tall grass. In the midst of the field is a dirt road, and standing in the middle of it is Trieze. After about oh...an hour or so goes by [Okay, I'm exaggerating this a bit, but he does take a while to get there. >=)], a dark figure dressed in a HUGE cloak and equally large hat appears, mounted upon a cyborg horse. He stops a few feet form Trieze.   
**Trieze:** Are you a hunter?   
**Mysterious Figure:** ... *I-staring-right-through-you-look*   
**Trieze:** If you won't answer me, then I'm just going to have to hit with my whip just because it's suppose to prove wheter or not you're a hunter.   
*With that, Trieze pulls out a laser whip and whips him. It loops around his arms and neck.*   
**Trieze:** Crap! Looks like I got the wrong guy.   
*The Mysterious Figure says nothing. Suddenly, the laserwhip around his arms and neck crack off in a superemely cool way. He goes around Trieze as if nothing happened.*   
**Trieze:** WAIT!   
*He stops.*   
**Trieze:** I have a friend who is in desperate need of you assistance.   
**Mysterious Figure:** (Monotone) Where is she?   
**Trieze:** Umm...It's a he.   
**Mysterious Figure:** (Still monotone) Whatever. Just take me to him.   
**Trieze:** Aren't you interested in _HOW_ I'm going to pay you?   
**Mysterious Figure:** No. I don't swing that way.   
**Trieze:** You insult me, sir.   
**Mysterious Figure:** I meant to. 

**SCENE:** Back at the study,in the late afternoon.   
**Relena:** I wonder where Trieze went off to.   
**Zechs:** *sip* I haven't the slightest idea.   
**Relena:** But aren't you two supposed to be really close to one another?   
**Zechs:** Well, we were once _very_ 'close,' but I don't think you want to know about that... *sip* Beside, Trieze and I had a bit of a falling out before the end of the war and all. [Oooh, the Drama! Oh wait, that's one of Shinigami Baby's fics... (SHAMELESS PLUG!)]   
**Relena:** Oh, I'm sorry.   
**Zechs:** Now, Relena, you don't have to apologize for asking about it... *sip* Umm...by the way, (Notices that they're the only ones in the room.) Where did Sally go?   
**Relena:** Oh, she's decided to stand guard outside of Wufei's room, just in case Trieze doubled back and snuck in there.   
* Suddenly, the door opens and in walks Trieze followed by the Mysterious Figure.*   
**Trieze:** *Grinning* I have found our savior, my dear friends! (Dramatic flourish)Allow me to inroduce Dr. Abraham Von Helsing. [I bet he's expecting fanfare too!]   
**Figure:** Hn.   
**Relena:** HEERO! (Jumps out of her chair and promptly glomps our beloved pilot of Wing Zero.) Oh, Heero-kun! You don't know how good it feels to see you once again!   
**Heero:** (Doesn't move.) Hello to you too, Relena.   
*Relena looks up at him with those dewy doe-eyes as the background changes to a pale rainbow filled with thousands of pastel-colored bubbles. Tiny heart-shaped sparkles swirl around them as Chibi-angel [or should that be devil? ^.^] Duos toss rose petals over their heads. Mean while, someone starts to play a violin as ROMANTIC PIANO MUSIC fills the room.* [Must...not...add...any...more...shojo...stuff!]   
**Quatre:** Awah...(Stops playing the violin.) Don't they make a lovely couple? (Eyes get all dewy.)   
**Zechs:** *sip* Aren't you supposed to be her _fiancee_?   
* The background shatters and both Quatre and Relena glare at Zechs.*   
**Relena:** Please don't remind us. (Let's go of Heero and slumps unhappily into a chair.)   
**Heero:** Can I go see the 'patient' now?   
*Zechs leads him to Wufei's room. Relena and Quatre tag along while Trieze goes out for a stroll in the garden, grumbling something about the inapproiate use of rose petals on two-bit trash. As they near the room, they can hear shouting.*   
**Wufei:** GET AWAY FROM ME YOU STUPID ONNA!   
**Sally:** Oh come on, just one little quickie, Wuffie.   
**Wufei:**NO! (Wufei dives her and hides in the closet, locking the door.)   
*Sally is trying to pry the door open when Zechs and co. walk in.*   
**Relena and Quatre:** (Face fault) Oh my GOD/ALLAH!   
**Sally:** (Realizing they're there.) Oh..eh...I was just...um...checking on Wufei dearest. Yeah, that's it. Just checking. Hee-hee... (She slinks out of the room, face flushed bright red and with a serious nosebleed.)   
*Expressionless, Heero picks the lock on the closet and looks at Wufei.*   
**Heero:** So, you were the one who was bitten?   
**Wufei:** Well no shit Sherlock! Why else would I be wearing this? (Points angrily to a bandage wrapped around his neck.)   
**Heero:** (Gingerly pulls the bandage away from his neck.) When did it happen?   
**Wufei:** Uh...Last night I think. I can't really remember anything after I tried to get out of this accursed fic.   
**Heero:** Hmm... (Walks over to Zechs as Quatre and Relena help Wufei back into bed.) Dr. Seward, I must see you and Mister...eh, _Miss_ Hawker alone for a moment.   
*The three of them walk back into the study. Heero stands near the back of the room with his back to them.*   
**Heero:** (Montone[but when is he not?]) I'm afarid I have some disturbing news for you: You're young friend has become the victim of some undead fiend. [DRAMATIC ONIMIOUS PIANO MUSIC!]   
**Relena:** Are you saying he was bitten by a vampire?   
**Zechs:** Vampires? *sip* Sir, don't be ridiculous! It's againist the laws of MODERN SCIENCE!   
**Heero:** But he's lost a lot of blood, hasn't he?   
**Zechs:** Well, yes.   
**Heero:** Yet there was no blood on the sheets or the bed clothes. Now tell how your _MODERN SCIENCE_ can explain that! [Heero...Being sarcastic? Scary.]   
**Zechs:** *Angry sip*   
**Relena:** Well, what do you suggest we do to help Lucas?   
**Heero:** (Ponders a moment.) First, we must insure that the vampire cannot get at him by hanging bales of garlic and crucifixes around Lucas' room. Then, we must track the vampire down and tear out it's black heart with a silver dagger. After that, we stuff it's mouth full of garlic, then hack it's head off with a gravedigger's shovel and boil the corpse in wine. Once _that's_ finished, we...   
**Relena:** Can't we just stake him through the heart?   
[OCC ALERT!]   
**Heero:** (All pouty.) Oh sure! Let's do it the _easy_ way and spoil all the fun!   
**Relena:** *HUGE SWEATDROP* {And to think I'm in love with this psycho...}   
**Zechs:** *Sip* Well then, let's stop standing around here like idiots and hop to it then! 

*Just after nightfall...*   
**Wufei:** What in the name of god is that horrific smell?!   
**Relena:** It's just the garlic, Wufei. Just try to get some sleep.   
**Wufei:** How the hell am I supposed to sleep with that reck, you stupid onna!   
**Relena:** *Sigh.* It's for your protection, so deal with it! We'll check on you in the morning. Good night. (She walks out, locking the door behind her.)   
**Wufei:** *Groans unhappily* (Pulls the cover over his head.) 

**SCENE:** A cell in the asylum. Duo lays whimpering on the bed after one of many shock treatments. [^_^]   
**Duo:** V-chan's such a *bleep*! Pokes me with that cattle prod all the time, makes me the f*BLEEP*-ing comic releif, and then doesn't even put me in the last two parts! THIS IS SOOOOOOOO UNCOOL!   
**Voice:** Could you please quit that whining? I'm getting a headache.   
**Duo:** TROWA!   
*He rushes to the window and sits on the ledge. Duo almost says something, but notices Trowa is hanging upside down and clinging to the wall.*   
**Trowa:** (Noticing Duo's staring at him.) What?   
**Duo:** How did you do that?!   
**Trowa:** I learned it from Melvin the Human Fly, but that's not the reason I came here. Duo, you're going to have to go and remove all that garlic and crap from Wufei's room.   
**Duo:** Why?   
**Trowa:** (Annoyed) Because it's in the damn script and I want to get this F*BLEEP*-ING FIC OVER WITH!   
**Duo:** Umm...That's all fine and dandy but there's just one little problem. (Points to the bars over the window.) I'm locked in here, remember.   
*Growling in anger, Trowa bends the bars until there's enough room for Duo to squeeze out of the window.*   
**Trowa:** Happy? Now lets go! (He does a backflip and glides slowly to the ground.)   
**Duo:** MWAHAHAHAHHA! REJOICE PEOPLE, FOR SHINIGAMI HATH RETURN FROM HE-*THUD!* (He leaps out of the window and lands face-first on the ground.)   
**Trowa:** *Sighs and shakes head.* {Now I see why V made him the comic releif.} Duo, remember: I fly, you don't. Now stop goofing off and get your braided ass in gear!   
**Duo:** (Spitting out a mouthfull of dirt.) Oh, OF COURSE! [Get bitchy, Maxwell!] _You fly, I don't. You fly, I don't. YOU FLY, I DON'T._   
*They walk toward the manor house.* 

**SCENE:** Wufei's bedroom. [SMELL BAD!]   
*Slowly, the window is opened and Duo pokes his head in.*   
**Duo:** HOLY SHIT! (Immediately pulls his head out and gags.) {It smells worse than MY ROOM!}   
*He puts a clothespin on his nose and silently climbs into the room. As he begins to remove the garlic, Duo hears a series of moans and other...eh, inapproiate noises coming from the bed. He creeps closer to listen. [HENTAI! DUO NO HENTAI!]*   
**Wufei:** (Eh...pleased sounding.) Oooooh...Duo-chan...   
**Duo:** Hehe... {I always know he had a thing for me...} (Leans in closer.)   
* Suddenly, Wufei flicks the covers off his head and looks over at Duo, who happens to be leering at him [Aaaand gushing a lot a blood because of a MAJOR nosebleed.]   
**Wufei:** AIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE![Screams like a girl.] WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING HERE MAXWELLL! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU *bleep-bleep-bleep*!!   
*Now everyone else rushes into the room. Duo tries to run, but two ordeals [Lady Une and Noin.] grab him.*   
**Trieze:** Just what the hell is going on here?!   
**Wufei:** This pervert was...was... (Starts sobbing) Look, Kisama, I've just been _violated_.   
**Trieze and Sally:** WHAT?!   
*They lunge for Duo, but Zechs and Heero manage to hold them both back.*   
**Trieze:** HOW DARE YOU VIOLATE MY LITTLE DRAGON, YOU DIRT SON OF A *bleep* ! IF I GET MY HANDS ON YOU...   
**Une:** (Dragging Duo off.) Don't worry, sir. I'll personally insure he recieves the most severe punishment imaginable.   
**Duo:** (Whimpering in terror.)  Oh GOD, no!    
*They drag him off and things return to [semi-]normal.*   
**Relena:** What was he doing here?   
**Heero:** (Calmly) It appears that he was a thrall of the vampire. His master must have sent him to remove the wards so he could get at Lucas.   
**Wufei:** Could you all please leave...I'm really don't want you around me right now...    
**Zechs:** *sip* He's right. Let's leave the poor boy in peace so he can get some rest. (Looks to Heero.) I'm going to stand gaurd at the door. Not that I beleive all this mumbo-jumbo...but, just in case I'm wrong...   
**Heero:** Do what you want.   
*They walk out of the room. Meanwhile, out in the garden, one very miffed Trowa watched the whole thing.*   
**Trowa:** Grr...{I should have known he'd screw this one up! Now how the hell am I going to get him?} (He thinks for a moment.)   
[DISEMBODIED VOICE ALERT!]   
** V-chan:** You know, Trowa, you do have the power to mesmerize people.   
**Trowa:** So what?   
** V-chan:** You can always 'persuade' Wufei to come out here to you, if you catch my drift.   
**Trowa:** OF COURSE! I'll just hypontize him, and then I can get out of this stupid fic! (Starts to try it, when suddenly he stops.) Whoa, wait a sec...What if it doesn't work.   
** V-chan:** Don't worry. It will. It's in the script after all.   
**Trowa:** I don't remember reading that...   
** V-chan:** Trowa, I'm surprised you even remembered to come to casting calls in the first place!   
**Trowa:** Hey! My memory isn't _that _ bad!   
** V-chan:** Sure it's not. (Stifled laugh.) Now lets get back to the fic!   
**Trowa:** Okay, but how the hell am I supposed to do it?   
** V-chan:** Just call his name, baka!   
**Trowa:** Oooo-kay... (Clears his throat.)[The return of the OMINIOUS YET EROTIC PIANO MUSIC!] _ Wufei...Wufei..Wufei dearest...Come to me Wufei..._   
*Heeding the unhallowed call, a hypnotized Wufei climbs out the window. The fiend wraps his cloak around his victim. Afew minutes later, Quatre, unable to sleep [He's an insomiaic people.] just happens to look out his window to see the grizzly sight.*   
**Quatre:** (Screams in horror.) 

...And so ends Part 4! But what of our poor Wuffie-chan? And what of the 'punishment' Lady Une is inflicting upon darling Duo-chan? Will Relena and Heero end up in the sack? And, for that matter, will Trowa and Quatre? Well, you'll have to wait until Part 5 to find out! 


	5. Part 5

  
I have returned! [Poses against rising sun backdrop.] And now may I present the **_second _**to last part of this monsrosity! But first, the usual warnings.... 

**Chaine**: *AHEM! * Yoai and shouen-ai (Duh!), gratuitous blood'n'violence, foul language, MILD sadomasochism, jokes made with extremely poor taste, V-chan owns none of the characters or series that appear within in this fic ('cept me, of course)...and let's not forget that V's not only seriously ripping off Mel Brookes and Bran Stoker for the plot, but Ann Rice as well for the *cough* _deflowerment_ _*_cough* scene! [Chaine promptly feels the wrath of 800+ volts to the butt for that last bit.] 

Shut up hairball! Louie didn't make out with Lestat during the 'embrace' scene! (Looks to the readers.) Please disregard that little remark. (Puts cattle prod away.) Now, let's get this thing over with... 

#  'Gundam Wing Does Dracula!' Part 5

**SCENE: **The study of the Seward mansion/asylum. Quatre is crying into Relena's shoulder. Zechs and Heero look out across the garden at the setting sun, discussing what to do next. Trieze and Sally are bound and muzzles in the corner. [To insure that the author is not maimed horrifically!]

  
**Heero: **You know what must be done, doctor.   
**Zechs:** *Angrily sips his tea* I will not allow you to desecrate Lucas' body like that!   
**Heero:** But the only way to the victim of a vampire eternal peace is to drive a stake through their heart.   
**Zechs:** This is ludicrous! You actually believe that a VAMPIRE attacked him?! *CHUG*   
**Heero: **Well that would explain how he got his THROAT TORN-OUT!   
*That cause Quatre, who was already near hysterics over what had happened to Wufei last night, to burst into another crying 'It's was all my fault!' fit. *   
**Relena:** Heero! That was totally uncalled for!   
**Heero: **Hn...   
**Relena:** But you are right. (She walks over to him.) Someone should stand watch over Wu- I mean "Lucas'" grave. (She gives Zechs a puppy-dog face.) Millinardo, don't you agree that Heero and myself should be the ones to do it.   
**Zechs: ***sip* Well...all right Relena. *Sip* But make sure HE (gestures at Heero) doesn't do anything obscene with the corpse.   
*Everyone gives him 'funny' looks. *   
**Zechs**: WHAT?   
**Everyone:** Nuthin'! 

**SCENE**: St. Nelson's [A cookie to whomever can guess where I got this name. ^_^] Cemetery. A lone watchman [Dorothy...AGAIN! *Gags*] is patrolling the grounds. *   
**Dorothy:** How come I got stuck doing all these shitty roles? I'm nobility dammit! And I demand to be treated as such!   
**V-chan:** Oh, quit your bitching! Everyone hates you. Now get your skanky, spiky eye browed ass in gear or else... (Menacingly waves the cattle prod.)   
* A disgruntled Dorothy goes back to patrolling. Suddenly she hears a noise from one of the tombs. [Ooooh...scary.]*   
**Voice:** (Faintly) Help me.   
**Dorothy:** What the...   
**Voice:** (A little louder) Help me. Please, help me.   
**Dorothy: **Where are you?   
**Voice:** (Really annoyed) I'm in the crypt. Now could you please let me out of here?   
**Dorothy:** Like hell.   
**Voice:** DAMMIT, ONNA! IT'S IN THE F-*bleep! *-ING SCRIPT!   
**Dorothy:** And why should I follow the script?   
**Voice:** (Sweetly) If you let me out, I'll get you some very interesting photos of Winner.   
**Dorothy:** Eeeech...No thanks.   
**Voice**: Okay...How about a videotape of stalker b-eh, Relena in the shower?   
**Dorothy:** NOW YOU'RE TALKING! (She pushes the lid of the coffin off and is promptly grabbed by a suspiciously familiar dark shape. [Gee...I wonder who it could be... ^^]) 

* Meanwhile, our lovely young couple... (Author is promptly DEATHGLARED by Heero.) Eh...I mean, Dr. Van Helsing and Mr.-Miss Hawker enter the cemetery. [ERRIE PIANO MUSIC!]*   
**Heero:** All right, our mission is to find Wufei before he can claim any victims and then stake him. For our search to be most effective, we must split up. You take the eastern half and I'll take the western half. If you find him, signal me by...   
**Relena**: Umm...Heero-chan, that's not in the script.   
**Heero: **Yes it is. (Whips out his script.) See? It says right here that we split up to look for Wufei and kill him.   
**Relena:** But Heeeeeeeeeeerooooo...[ARRRGGH! MY EARDRUMS!] You're supposed to be trying to convince me that Wufei's become a vampire, and I don't believe you until we find the body of the night watchman. Then you suggest we split up.   
**Heero:** If you think about it, suggesting to split up in a HORROR fic is not a very wise thing to do...especially after finding a blood-drained corpse.   
**Relena:** Good point.   
**Heero:** Besides, I really want out of this fic, so the sooner we find Wufei, the better!   
**Relena:** Don't you mean 'Lucas'?   
**Heero:** Hn?   
**Relena:** You're supposed to call him 'Lucas'.   
**Heero**: Why?   
**Relena:** Because V got a complaint from one of her reviewers because Trowa called out 'Wufei, Wufei!' instead of 'Lucas, Lucas!'   
**Heero:** Why should anyone care? This is one of those crazy movie spoof fics anyway! We're no supposed to really follow the script! Now can we please get this over with?   
**Relena:** *BLINK! * {More OOC-ing? Well, at least I'm still in character.}   
[Not for long, your highness. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!]   
[BACKGROUND FOR VILLIANOUS LAUGHTER PIANO MUSIC!] 

* They each go their separate ways, failing to notice the mangled corpse that was Dorothy slummed over a tombstone. As Relena passes a catacomb, she hears something coming toward her. *   
**Relena:** H-h-h-Heero? (She turns around and is face to face with the newly risen vampire.)   
**Wufei:** (Hair down and smiling wickedly) Hello, Princess.   
[Re-Return of the OMINIOUS YET EROTIC PIANO MUSIC!]   
**Relena:** (Scared) W-w-Wufei...Umm, aren't you supposed to be... d-d-d-dead?   
**Wufei:** (Laughing.) Foolish woman! I'm not dead. (He backs her into a tree and leans right in her ear.) I'm UN-dead! (He starts petting her neck.) You know, I've never noticed what a lovely neck you have, Relena.   
**Relena:** Whoa there! I thought you didn't 'approve' of me!   
**Wufei:** I don't approve of your ideology. I never said I didn't approve of your body. [EEEEEK! Wufei's going hentai on us!]   
**Relena:** Now that was just wrong...   
**Wufei:** Oh, just shut up and hold still!   
*Wufei rears back to bite her when someone shoves a crucifix up his nose. *   
**Relena:** My HEERO! [Ick! That's just so corny! *Slaps self*]   
**Heero:** (Ignoring the stupid pun) In the name of the LORD, I command you lifeless devil to return to your grave!   
**Wufei:** Yuy, you BAKA! I'm BUDDHIST! Crosses won't work on me. Now get that thing out of my face!   
**Heero:** Okay...(Puts the crucifix away) How about...THIS! (He whips out a UFO catcher doll of Lina Inverse).   
*Upon seeing the dreaded full thing, Wufei turns and runs screaming back to his tomb. *   
**Relena:** I'm starting to worry about you boys...   
**Heero:** It's taken you this long? (He puts the doll away and runs after Wufei.) Come on, Relena! He's gone back to his lair! (Suddenly, Heero goes chibi and pulls out a little toy sword [Just like D's!].) We can stake him while he's whining about being a weakling and stuff!   
**Relena:** Oooo-kay... (Sighing, she follows after him.)   
* An over-perky Hee-kun, with Relena in tow, rushes across the cemetery.... 

**Vegeta:** STOP THE FIC!   
**V-chan:** What is it now?!   
**Vegeta:** Just how the *bleep! * does a plushie have the power to frighten anyone? It's just ridiculous!   
**V-chan:** Well, Veggie-chan, it's an anime in-joke. My lovely assistant, Zelgadiss [Slayers] shall explain.   
*The chimera walks in. A chalkboard with the words 'Dragon SPOOCR' appears beside him. *   
**Zelgadiss:** You see, Vegeta-san, Lina happens to be "Dra-Mata" or, in the dub, a "Dragon SPOOCR." (He whaps the board with a pointer.) The "SPOOCR" bit is an ancyrom for the phrase "Dragons Step Past Out Of Clear Revulsion." And since Wufei nickname is the "Lone Dragon". You get it now?   
**Vegeta:** Hehe...I could have guessed that.   
**Lina:** Watch it veggie-boy, or else!   
**Vegeta: **Or else what? You'll Dragu Slav me? *EVIL SMUG VEGETA LAUGH! *   
**Lina:** No. I'll lock you in a room with Naga.   
**Vegeta: **AIIEEEEE!!! YOU WOULDN'T DARE!   
**Lina**: Just try me.   
**Vegeta:** (Cowers)   
**Xellos:** Man, that should rank as cruel and unusual punishment!   
**Freeza: **Even I wouldn't stoop to THAT! 

~*~*~ 

*Ahem, as I was saying: Heero [still chibi!] runs into the tomb, dragging a less than eager Relena behind. Heero attempts to push the lid off the coffin, but falls flat on his butt. *   
**Heero: **Dammit! I hate being stuck in chibi mode!   
**Relena: **Just pop yourself back to normal.   
**Heero: **But I forgot how too! I don't go chibi as often as the other guys...   
**Relena:** Oh, here; I'll show you. (She grabs him and frenches Heero, who promptly goes back to normal from the shock!)   
*From out of nowhere, Duo appears and throws Relena into a wall. *   
**Duo:** Unhand him, evil stalker bitch! (He grabs Heero protectively.) Heero's my koibito! He's mine!MINE! **MINE!** **MINE!!!**   
**Heero:** (Half-strangled.) Duo...get the hell off of me!   
**Duo: **But...*sniffle * Heeeeeeeeeeerooooo...   
**Heero:** *DEATHGLARE! *   
**Duo:** But...but...(Tears well up in his eyes.) I thought you loved me!   
**Heero:** (Sigh.) Listen Duo... (He hands him a set a keys and whispers in his ear.)   
**Duo:** (Suddenly happy.) Do you really mean it?   
**Heero:** Yes.   
**Duo:** (Taking a cheerleader pose.) YAAAAHHH!!! SCORE!! (He rushes off, leaving behind a Duo-shaped cloud.)   
**Relena:** (Rubbing the lump on her head.) What did you say to him?   
**Heero:** (Smiles and wiggles his finger.) Sore wa himitsu desu, Relena-chan. 

Offstage...   
**Xellos**: AGAIN WITH THE LINE STEALING? Grrr... {And now they're doing my pose!} INJUSTICE! 

*Together, they push off the coffin's lid and stare into it. *   
**Heero**: Hmmm... Looks like he's in torpor. (He gives her a mallet and a stake before ducking behind a pillar.) Okay Relena, he's all yours now!   
**Relena**: WHAT!   
**Heero**: (dead-pan) The one to slay the vampire must be someone they know in life.   
**Relena**: And just what exactly am I supposed to do with these?   
**Heero**: Well, duh! You stake him.   
**Relena**: I can't! I AM A TOTAL PACIFIST!   
**Heero**: But it's in the script.   
**Relena**: But you said none follows the script in these fics!   
**Heero**: And none stays in character either!   
**Relena**: I REFUSE to do this! It violates my moral principals.   
**Heero**: What if I told you that Wufei's the one who started the rumor that you and Dorothy are lesbian lovers?   
**Relena**: What? YOU SON OF A BITCH! (She drives the stake into the unseen corpse and is drenched by a fountain of blood.) My GOD! Why is there so much blood?!   
**Heero**: *From behind the pillar. * Well, what do you expect? He just ate! (He looks at the body.) He's not dead yet. Hit him again.   
*Reluctantly, Relena whaps the stake again and is sprayed with more blood. *   
**Heero**: He's still moving!   
*Yet again, Relena hits the stake and is dowsed in even more blood. *   
**Heero**: (Glancing out from behind the pillar) One more time. He's almost dead.   
**Relena**: HE'S DEAD ENOUGH! (She looks into the coffin.) Oh, poor Wufei! What have I done? (She starts getting weepy.)   
**Heero**: Now, now, Miss Hawker. Don't cry. You've saved him from a fate worse than death and sent his soul to a better place. (He gives her a hankie. Relena wipes her eyes and tries to hand the blood-soaked hankie back to him.) Eh...keep it. Now, let's go back to the manor. 

**SCENE**: The garden of the Seward manor/asylum. Waiting patiently by the side door sipping his tea, Zechs watches them come up the walkway.   
**Zechs**: So, *sip* what... (Upon seeing his blood soaked sister.) MY GOD! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?   
**Relena**: Lets just say that Heero was right about the vampire thing. Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to take a shower. (She starts to walk into the house, but Zechs stops her.)   
**Zechs**: Umm...maybe you should use the back door.   
**Relena**: Right. (She trudges off.)   
**Zechs**: *POWER CHUG! * Yuy, just explain to me one little thing: How in the world did Relena end up covered in blood, but you don't even have a drop on you?   
**Heero**: Well, I've been to many stakings before. You see it's all a matter of standing in just the right place. Like they say, the most important thing is location, location, location! Now, let's go inside and plot our next move.   
**Zechs**: And just *sip* is our next move?   
**Heero**: (With deadpan glee) To find and then destroy the master vampire before it can take anymore-innocent lives. [Foreshadowing! Foreshadowing!!]   
* With that, he and Zechs go back to the study. 

~*~*~Meanwhile, just outside the room of a certain blonde...~*~*~ 

_**Author's Note**: The following scene will be presented in paragraph format [As in a 'normal' fic]. Why? Because it's a whole lot easier that way! Thank you for your patience._   
**[Cue the _EXTREMELY EROTIC & ERRIE PIANO MUSIC_!]**

Silently, a strange mist drifts across the garden, creeping across the ground toward the window of Quatre's room. The mist snakes it's way through the minute gapes in the panes and starts collecting at the foot of the bed. Slowly, the mass of mist condenses into the shape of a man. With a wicked gleam in his eyes, Trowa crawls into the bed alongside Quatre, gently sliding his hand under the sleeping boy's shirt. Softly, he nuzzles and nips at his neck.   
With a slight moan, Quatre wakes up. "Trowa?"   
"Sshh!" Lightly pressing his finger against his lips, Trowa smiles broadly, revealing his long, curved fangs. With a low growl,Trowa pulls him closer and their lips lock in a forceful kiss. Impassioned, they begin kissing each other frantically. Suddenly, he sinks his fangs into Quatre's throat.   
Gasping in pain and pleasure, he claws at Trowa's back as he leisurely sucks his blood. His eyes begin to glaze over as the life is drained from his body.   
Abruptly, Trowa pulls away and slashes open his wrist. "Drink." He snarls, pressing the bleeding wound to Quatre's mouth. Eagerly and desperately, he starts to gulp the blood, much to Trowa's ..._ahem_...delight. Satisfied, he pulls his arm away and pushes Quatre down against the mattress. "You're _mine _now." he laughs, tugging off his shirt. With a devilish grin he... 

**~*~*~THE SCREEN GOES BLACK!!!~*~*~**

* V steps out and looks around in confusion. *   
**V-chan:** What the hell is going on?!   
*Ayeka [Tenchi Muyo] and Cherry [Saber Marionette J] come bargging in. *   
**Ayeka: **We will not allow you to continue this scene!   
**V-chan:** And why not?   
**Ayeka: **Because it is a horrific abuse of your author powers! Not only that, but it's downright _nasty_...   
**Cherry:** I must humblly and whole-heartedly agree with Ayeka-san. This is an affrontment to all civilized persons [and marionettes!] in the audience!   
**V-chan: **So I'm pushing the PG-13 rating just a _tiny_ bit. Is there anything wrong with that?   
**Ayeka and Cherry: **YES THERE IS!   
*Suddenly, Bloodberry, Hanagata [both fromSaber Marionette J], Xellos, and Ryoko [Tenchi Muyo] strom the stage. *   
**Bloodberry:** HEY! Just what the hell do you two think you're doing?   
**Xellos: ** (Nose gushing blood and an even more happy look on his face.) You interupting a pivotal scene!   
**Cherry: ** You stay out of this, you preverted monster! (She slaps Xellos and glares indignatly at V-chan.) Now, we demand that you apologize for putting such...such _flith_ in this fic at once!   
**Ryoko: ** (Whamps Cherry.) Don't you hit him! And you shouldn't talk like that to V. She is an author, afterall. *Chuckle.* Besides, I was really enjoying this...(A trickle of blood runs out her nose.)   
**Ayeka: ** (Snarling) Oh, you would, _wouldn't _you.   
**Ryoko: **Wanna make something of it, you inbred little....   
**V-chan: **Whoa there ladies! Let's not start blowing everything up now!   
**Ayeka and Ryoko: **HMPH!   
**Hanagata: ***Sighing wistfully* I only wish that would happen to me... {Starts fantasizeing about Otrau}   
*Everyone stares at him with huge sweatdrops. Bloodberry promptly decks him* [It's an inside joke, ppl.]   
**Cherry: **You all are just _sick! **SICK! SICK!**_   
**V-chan: **Geez...I get no respect around here! Absolutely no respect! (Receives *DEATHGLARES* from everyone) Okay, okay... I'm just going to skip the rest of this scene. Now, will that make everyone happy?   
.**All (**except Hanagata**):** Yeah...sure.   
**V-chan:** Good! (She snaps her fingers and the screen goes back to normal) 

...And so, we end this installment of the fic. Tune in...   
**Duo: **Wait, aren't you gonna tell them what happens to me?   
Not in this fic.   
**Duo: **Why the hell not?!   
Because I need some time to figure out a decent ending!   
**Duo: **Why not just steal one from somebody else? *under his breathe* You've already stole most of the plot and some of the puns...   
I HEARD THAT, MAXWELL! (subjects him to several jolts of electricity). Now, begone with you! You've got some important _buisness _ to attend to, remember?   
**Duo: **(Recover from the pain) Oh, he can wait a few more minutes...   
**Offstage Voice: **MAXWELL!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET YOU SORRY LITTLE ASS IN HERE, **_NOW_**!   
**Duo: **Okay! Okay! {He can be soo demanding sometimes...} (Runs off, leaving V to finish the outro.)   
Like I was saying...See you all next time, when I'll actually have this fic finished! Ja-na!!!


End file.
